Master Of The House Lyrics

Drinkers
     Come on you old pest
     Fetch a bottle of your best
     What's the nectar of the day?

     [Thenardier enters with a flask of wine.]

Thenardier
     Here, try this lot
     Guaranteed to hit the spot
     Or I'm not Thenardier

Drinkers
     Gissa glass a' rum
     Landlord, over here!

Thenardier
     [To himself] Right away, you scum
     [To customer] Right away, m'sieur

Drinkers
     God this place has gone to hell
     So you tell me every year
     Mine host Thenardier
     He was there so they say,
     At the field of Waterloo
     Got there, it's true
     When the fight was all through
     But he knew just what to do
     Crawling through the mud
     So I've heard it said
     Picking through the pockets
     Of the English dead
     He made a tidy score
     From the spoils of war

Thenardier
     My band of soaks
     My den of dissolutes
     My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.
     My sons of whores
     Spent their lives in my inn
     Homing pigeons homing in
     Then fly through my doors
     And their money's as good as yours

Drinkers
     Ain't got a clue
     What he put in this stew
     Must have scraped it off the street
     God what a wine!
     Chateau Neuf de Turpentine
     Must have pressed it with his feet
     Landlord over here!
     Where's the bloody man?
     One more for the road!
     Thenardier, one more slug o' gin.
     Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.

     [Thenardier greets a new customer.]

Thenardier
     Welcome, M'sieur
     Sit yourself down
     And meet the best
     Innkeeper in town
     As for the rest
     All of 'em crooks
     Rooking their guests
     And cooking the books
     Seldom do you see
     Honest men like me
     A gent of good intent
     Who's content to be

     Master of the house
     Doling out the charm
     Ready with a handshake
     And an open palm
     Tells a saucy tale
     Makes a little stir
     Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
     Glad to do a friend a favor
     Doesn't cost me to be nice
     But nothing gets you nothing
     Everything has got a little price!

     Master of the house
     Keeper of the zoo
     Ready to relieve 'em
     Of a sou or two
     Watering the wine
     Making up the weight
     Pickin' up their knick-knacks
     When they can't see straight
     Everybody loves a landlord
     Everybody's busom friend
     I do whatever pleases
     Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Thenardier & Drinkers
     Master of the house
     Quick to catch yer eye
     Never wants a passerby
     To pass him by
     Servant to the poor
     Butler to the great
     Comforter, philosopher,
     And lifelong mate!
     Everybody's boon companion
     Everybody's chaperone

Thenardier
     But lock up your valises
     Jesus!  Won't I skin you to the bone!

     [To another new customer...]

     Enter M'sieur
     Lay down your load
     Unlace your boots
     And rest from the road
     This weighs a ton
     Travel's a curse
     But here we strive
     To lighten your purse
     Here the goose is cooked
     Here the fat is fried
     And nothing's overlooked
     Till I'm satisfied

     Food beyond compare
     Food beyond belief
     Mix it in a mincer
     And pretend it's beef
     Kidney of a horse
     Liver of a cat
     Filling up the sausages
     With this and that

     Residents are more than welcome
     Bridal suite is occupied
     Reasonable charges
     Plus some little extras on the side!
     Charge 'em for the lice
     Extra for the mice
     Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
     Here a little slice
     There a little cut
     Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
     When it comes to fixing prices
     There are a lot of tricks he knows
     How it all increases
     All those bits and pieces
     Jesus!  It's amazing how it grows!

Thenardier & Chorus
     Master of the house
     Quick to catch yer eye
     Never wants a passerby
     To pass him by
     Servent to the poor
     Butler to the great
     Comforter, philosopher,
     And lifelong mate!
     Everybody's boon companion
     Gives 'em everything he's got

Thenardier
     Dirty bunch of geezers
     Jesus!  What a sorry little lot!

Mme. Thenardier
     I used to dream
     That I would meet a prince
     But God Almighty,
     Have you seen what's happened since?
     Master of the house?
     Isn't worth me spit!
     `Comforter, philosopher'
     - and lifelong shit!
     Cunning little brain
     Regular Voltaire
     Thinks he's quite a lover
     But there's not much there
     What a cruel trick of nature
     Landed me with such a louse
     God knows how I've lasted
     Living with this bastard in the house!

Thenardier & Drinkers
     Master of the house!

Mme. Thenardier
     Master and a half!

Thenardier & Drinkers
     Comforter, philosopher

Mme. Thenardier
     Ah, don't make me laugh!

Thenardier & Drinkers
     Servant to the poor
     Butler to the great

Mme. Thenardier
     Hypocrite and toady
     And inebriate!

Thenardier & Drinkers
     Everybody bless the landlord!
     Everybody bless his spouse!

Thenardier
     Everybody raise a glass

Mme. Thenardier
     Raise it up the master's arse

All
     Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!